also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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