Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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