you traded sex for a burrito?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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