I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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