But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
