If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
