i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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