Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
