You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
