Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
