Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
