She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This is my gift to your gina
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
