the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
