1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just invented taco cereal.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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