At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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