FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
