Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i think my cat just said my name.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
