just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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