You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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