His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
