a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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