I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
it's like heaven, but drunker
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
