Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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