Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
