Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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