I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
