Sry I called you an 8
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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