Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
