I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
