so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
