onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize