When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
