Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
