Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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