I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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