I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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