There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
