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You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
