My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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