you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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