Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
