she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
