i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
