i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
