My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Let's paint friendship bongs
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
