There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
