i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
