Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
