Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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