It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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